Friday, July 15, 2011

A Quick Word... 'For The Ladies' (Clarion Writing Piece #1)

This is my first piece going up for the Clarion Write-a-thon.

If you'd like to buy a piece yourself you can do so for $5 (all funds going to charity).
Read about it and donate here.

This piece is not dedicated to anyone.


(Picture courtesy of Flickr: dizfunkshinal)

Hello. My name is Johan. I'm a 41-year old male looking for the woman of my dreams.

I used to say on here that I liked going for long romantic walks on the beach, but this is no longer true. Going out with Susie (who was nice enough in terms of personality, but lets face it only about a 6 when it came to looks) she insisted after a few Bacardi Breezers that I fulfil this essentially empty cliche of a promise. And so we walked along the beach at 8pm on a Tuesday night. It was seriously goddamn cold. The wind picked up spray and chill over the waves and I was shivering the whole bloody way. Then I trod on a jellyfish and it stung me. I tried not to, but it really freaking hurt, so I cried on the drive to the emergency room, and she told me afterwards that the evening was "perhaps a sign that maybe we didn't belong together". I've refused to go to the beach since, because it stresses me to go barefoot, and I don't like getting sand in my shoes.

I also try not to go on dates to restaurants anymore, because the food takes too long to arrive, and you don't know what they put in it. It's much better to make things at home. If mum's not home I can't really cook much, but when I do beans on toast I kind of cut the bread into big thick slices, so it fills you up more, and it sort of looks like something from a restaurant anyway, you know?

I don't watch television or movies. I think they make you stupid. I don't like shopping because of the crowds, but It's okay because I write a list for my mum every Thursday and she picks up all the food and provisions that I need. It's an ideal system because I think she enjoys taking instructions and having something to apply herself to.

I hate bitchy women, I hate nice-in-a-fake-way women, I hate women who are just totally dumb, and I hate women who are arrogantly smarter than me.

Also, I am a hopeless romantic.

Message me,

Johan x

P.S - My name is really John.

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